I am a communication coach. Often I am asked how to improve your communication skills. Many comfortably splash around in the shallow end of most conversation pools.  I personally find it hard to swim in the wading pool. It is difficult to dive in without hurting your brain.  Perhaps, you would like to know how I gradually take people to a deeper and richer place in conversation, and out of their comfort zone, with ease.

When I speak around the nation, I often find myself having meals with strangers, or at a banquet table of invited guests who do not know each other. Breaking the ice and helping a group of strangers engage in fun, memorable conversation is an art. I am the unofficial table hostess, and connecting people is my love.

I must work harder at this role since I cannot see all who are at the table. I ask who is sitting next to me and then find out who is next to them, until I have gone around the table; remembering their names and something of interest. Then I ask, “Tell me something I don’t know about each of you.” Often they laugh, knowing they could tell me anything, and it would be news. However, I add the challenge, “Stump the table.” The game of conversation begins, and you would not believe the laughter, surprise and great stories that come from such an exercise. I love it when old friends say, “I never knew that about you.” I equally like it when strangers feel like they made a friend at my table—no matter where it might be in the world. Even the shiest among the group find a place in the conversation, where they once were silent and in the background. Follow up questions keep the interest and conversation alive. It really does not take much effort to make a memory.

My husband always defaults to his tale about his small southern Illinois hometown where white squirrels populate and reign with all right of ways. I, on the other hand, like to change up my stories as I try to see which one will connect best with my audience. Others think hard about the challenge, while some only tell what they do. No wonder surface talk is comfortable, because it takes little effort. Casual polite conversation can go beyond the surface with just a few good questions. From there, the rest takes care of itself.

Everyone has a story. We were formerly known for our big parties when we lived in the Midwest. Each event would fill our large house with our diverse friends, but not necessarily friends everyone knew. We took great effort to make our “spontaneous” nights fun with loads of pre-planning.  Often many said they loved our gatherings because they came knowing no one and left with friends for life.  All of it came from conversations planned by specific questions at their table setting, or games of interaction where you had to get to know others. I love to introduce people and add a great story or encounter highlighted from their friendship. Showcasing others is a wonderful way to introduce and validate others and build from there with conversation. This lifestyle helps eliminate cliques and awkwardness of people who feel isolated and not a part of the party.

Conversations engage everyone when done right. SO…tell me something about you I don’t know. Let me know by commenting on this blog.